my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
