All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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