I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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