Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just blew my weed a kiss
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
