Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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