How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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