She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk is not a location!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
