I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize