i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
