How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
