i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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