My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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