My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
