if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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