Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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