Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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