Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
