all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
