I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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