dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
