My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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