i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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