Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
