put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
