I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
