I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
