On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
