3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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