I bet he comes in French.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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