my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
