i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize