We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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