Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.