i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.