I accidentally had phone sex last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most