Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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