do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
