Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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