Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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