Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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