He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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