ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
