I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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