She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We are all done wearing pants today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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