I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Pants 0. Shit 1.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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