Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
