There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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