Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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