dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
