Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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