I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
