my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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