I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize