We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Welp...herpes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
