Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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