Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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