This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
