if i can run in heels then i can drive
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
