instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
