I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
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In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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