I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
