he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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